Care and Feeding of your Velociraptor
Thursday December 7, 2017
Your pet Velociraptor
There has been a recent upsurge in placements of Velociraptors by the Velociraptor Rescue Society. Here are some useful hints.
Diet
Many conscientious caretakers have tried a vegetarian diet for the velociraptor with little success. The subjects appear to not thrive, and in two notable cases, they have eaten their siblings. Viable solutions to this problem have not yet been identified.
In the meantime, we recommend sticking with a more conventional carnivore diet.
Careers for your maturing velociraptor.
Because of their ferocity, one might think that careers in law enforcement might be ideal.
Early experiments using velociraptor in forensic examinations were somewhat unsuccessful, in that most of the material being examined was unexpectedly destroyed, likely eaten.
Also unsuccessful was using velociraptors in stakeouts. Windows would invariably steam up. As the stakeout grew longer, the car would occasionally be filled with highly distracting impatient screaming. Fortunately, no loss of a patrol car has been reported.
Better results have been reported in employing them in science fiction and horror films. However, be prepared to shoot a lot of film, followed by post-production editing, as they don't follow instructions as well as generally required.
Suggestions have been made to employ them in military recruiting films. However, none of the branches of the military that have been approached with this proposal have warmed to the idea.
Better results are expected from high-end fashion magazines. Several are screen testing short clips in support of extreme clothing lines.
The Spiritual nature of the velociraptor
The nature of the velociraptor is usually thought of as excitable, and not particularly meditative.
Attempts of introducing yoga to velociraptors has, unfortunately, resulted in the loss of two and a half yoga instructors and an uncounted number of yoga students. Police are still on the scene of the most recent class to suffer this fate.
Recreation
Exercise is an important part of the life of a healthy velociraptor. Several alternative approaches to take your velociraptor for a walk have been recommended. A simple leash on acollar fails when the collar separates under stress, or slips off the neck. A harness fared slightly better, but failed when a toss of the head threw the walker over the retaining wall. A final attempt using a 1/2 inch steel bit in the mouth, much like a horses bridle failed. The velociraptor chewed through the bit in one bite when the walker pulled it to a stop. Sadly, there was little left of the walker after a three-state manhunt was mounted.
Early discussions regarding employing Velociraptors in foxhunts have met with organized protests from institutional opponents of foxhunting.
Rumors of a trial foxhunt that ended with the consumption of a cow mistaken for a fox have not been verified at this time.
Training and Certification
The organization charged with creating a "Velociraptor Good Citizen" program has yet to be successful. A lack of volunteer commitments was traced to a missing persons report of the first members of the training committee.
Experts suggest that the foundation of an agility training program given the failure of the citizen program and that all known velociraptors are well beyond even the highest measure of agility.
Naming your pet velociraptor
There is little agreement in name for velociraptors. The first choices ran from "Sam" to names given speakers of Khoisan language to a name that sounds very much like a door slamming.
However, it is unclear that the so-named velociraptors respond to their names in any way.
Medical Care
The first known veterinarian to to treat a velociraptor, in this case for a broken leg, was, after administering what he thought was adequate level of anesthesia, spent the remaining minutes of his life in extreme astonishment.
An entirely new class of anesthetic was developed for this case. It was so powerful that a nurse assisting in the application of this drug, was, by dint of a single errant drop of the drug fell on his wrist remains in a coma to this day. Rumors that this drug has hallucinogenic properties has led to a number of sudden deaths.
Taken away from the natural habitat has lead to a general decline in health but not a reduction in their aggressive tendencies.
A common problem resulting from dietary changes is one of dental issues. Extraction of failing teeth is considered particurlarly risky. To stave off the dental problems, flossing is recommended, but special precautions must be taken.
Feet and claw problems are endemic to velociraptors living in domestic environments. Claws tend to grow overlong and crack and split. Using clippers to trim the nails can result in the loss of the clipper and possibly veterinary staff.
Velociraptor Chili
The Society for the Prevent on of Cruelty to Velociraptor was horrified to learn that a meat products company was considering offering Velociraptor Chili. The company sought to mollify SPCV by ensuring that the chili was organic. Given the nature of a healthy diet for the Velociraptor, it is unclear how this could be accomplished. SPCV was not distracted by the attempt of the meat packing company to reclassify the chili as vegetarian.